Sometimes I bite the hand that feeds me

Some will call it trauma and I will say its always been a seeking of freedom I didn’t have the capacity to claim.

I deny the existence of self sabotage because we cannot kill what isn’t true, and I built my world on lies. The non conforming conformist; paying for her sins of being wild but without the guidance of the feminine to strengthen the real quest. So it only looks like destruction devoid of the deeper needs to live in a world without self constraint. Instead of actively breaking free, the path of addiction - to men, to substances, to people pleasing became the surface view. Over time the bright lights dimmed into sadness and the sadness was not made better by going to school, building the business, or having the relationship. I have only always just wanted myself- for my creative principle to be operating in the world.

Some will call it trauma, and yes this is woven into the story. How I acted it all out was trauma, but the underlying current of eros has always been there. My choices for the actors have not been wise but the play has always been the same.

Growing up I didn’t long for marriage or kids. I longed for scenes from the Story of O, Flowers in The Attic, and Secretary.

All I ever wanted was my “hands on the table” because all I’ve ever wanted was Devotion.

Some will call it trauma, and yes there was, but this is not my trauma. This is the deep mythological and erotic current that moves me. I will no longer hide my interests to make myself comfortable. I will no longer pretend I appreciate a small life.