Maybe it's the last time

Maybe it’s the last time.

Maybe it’s the last time I call in an experience to remind me of my own power.

I didn’t collapse. I felt it all the way through with no vice.

I wanted a vice. I wanted to distract. I would have been so easy to numb it out.

Instead, I felt every piece. I felt every wave of anger, sadness, and confusion. I let all the revenge fantasies play out. I cried each tear until I fell on the floor as my heart felt like it was being squeezed from my body- my literal existence in threat. I wrote and edited the same email 50 times depending on my current mind state. I only sent one early on, a vicious one, as my rage could not be contained, even though I knew to not actually send it.

But mostly I held my feral child as we went through it.

Thats the thing about loss. There is “the perfect, I’m healed, I have so many tools and can take the high road”,. (Fire any therapist that tells you do that too quickly btw), and there is the “I have so many tools and also still get triggered and want to burn it down because I want to outsource my own pain even though I KNOW I am the creator of my life.” But, it still hurts.

Tools without a deeper why you would want to use them are useless. My human doesn’t want to use a goddam tool. I want to go on a murder/death/kill spree. My why isn’t to create less drama. My nervous system is wired for high sensation and it doesn’t care how I get it, although not creating more drama sounds like such good spiritual girl idea. My why is so I can alchemize the lesson; metabolize it into radical self empowerment and love.

So maybe it’s the last time…. Or not…. we shall see. Only the gods know.

You see… I knew. I watched it all go down. I walked into that bar and took the drink. I knew. But I WANTED IT. There are no victims and no villians in adulthood. Everything is a partner dance. Sorry.

But this is the path towards self mastery. This is the practice. To be taken back the wound until I have a different relationship to it-One grounded in self love and connection, which is the only thing these painful events are supposed to do anyways.

This is a double black diamond lifetime, and I’m finally here for it.