Understanding Disorganized Controlling Attachment in Childhood
When Kids Act Like the Parent: The Roots of Controlling Attachment Patterns
Not every child’s early relationship with a parent or caregiver is simple or straightforward. Some kids grow up with parents who are, for various reasons, inconsistent, unpredictable, or even downright scary at times. For these kids, feeling safe isn’t always a given. Instead, they develop ways to cope that help them feel more in control, but that can also bring stress and confusion as they grow up. Let’s talk about two patterns that often show up in these kids: controlling-punitive and controlling-caregiving behaviors.
Why Control?
Imagine you’re a child, and the person you rely on most—your parent—is a bit of a mystery. Sometimes they’re loving and present, but other times they’re distracted, irritable, or even frightening. Maybe they shout without warning, disappear when you need them, or become so upset that you feel like you have to take care of them. When love feels like a moving target, it’s natural for a child to start trying to “control” the situation to feel more secure.
Kids in these environments can develop two main styles: controlling-punitive or controlling-caregiving.
What Does Controlling-Punitive Look Like?
Let’s say a child named Max feels hurt when his mom is late picking him up. Max doesn't cry or ask where she was; instead, he lashes out the minute she arrives, yelling, "You’re always forgetting about me! You don’t care at all!" He might even refuse to get in the car or slam the door on his way in. Max isn’t acting this way to be mean or rebellious—he’s learned that showing anger and control makes him feel a little safer. He feels that, by taking charge of the moment, he won’t feel so powerless.
This behavior often looks aggressive, demanding, or downright bossy. But deep down, kids like Max are just scared. They’re trying to protect themselves from the unpredictable nature of their world by being “in charge,” which they hope will make things feel more stable.
What About Controlling-Caregiving?
On the flip side, some kids feel safest when they’re taking care of their parents. Imagine a child named Lily whose mom is going through a tough time. Maybe her mom is often sad, anxious, or overwhelmed, so Lily tries her best to be the “little helper.” She makes sure her mom has what she needs, asks if she’s okay, and does her best to make her mom feel better—even if it means setting aside her own needs. Over time, Lily might forget how to express her own feelings and needs, focusing only on keeping her mom happy.
This “caretaking” behavior isn’t healthy for a child, but it can feel necessary in certain situations. Kids like Lily might grow up thinking they’re only valuable when they’re helping or caring for others, which can make it hard for them to feel supported themselves.
Why It Matters
While these strategies might help children feel safer in the short term, they usually lead to difficulties down the line. A controlling-punitive child may struggle with trust and boundaries in relationships, always expecting others to let them down. A controlling-caregiving child might find themselves feeling drained, taken advantage of, or unable to express their own needs.
The good news? These patterns can change. With the right support—whether that’s from loving, dependable relationships, therapy, or both—kids and adults can unlearn these coping mechanisms. They can learn that they don’t have to control others to feel safe, and that they’re allowed to let go and trust that they’ll be okay.
