And movement saved me

This was two years after my father called me to say “The money is gone. Don’t ever ask me for anything again.”

I was told my entire life I would never have to work and those words shaped me into never learning how to care for myself.

I HAD NO SKILLS, except how to be his little whore. I learned how to hide to survive his disappointment; acting out in the shadows. I learned how to manipulate crisis to get what I wanted which was his love. By the time I got older I forgot I wanted love and just wanted the money. The consequence of growing up in a home where money, status, and image were god. Being rescued were distorted acts of Love.

Here I am; a raw, feral child who needed to learn how to act- which really meant to be a good little girl to get approval from the world so I could get raises and accolades- basically an upgraded acceptable version of whore. I had a new pimp.

I was a hollow, scared dilettante- more like an alien who had been dropped here and told to fit in than a human.

So I watched how the humans did things. I watched their mannerisms, and culture, and accepted ways of thinking. I watched how they worked and mimicked them. I followed the guidance of those who told me to chose money over my souls guidance again and again because this is the way of it. I fogged people by looking competent but underneath I was lost.

I got a loan to put myself through school. I worked 60 hours a week.

I took prescribed medication to numb the pain to keep going, and going.

It was movement that saved me. It didn’t save me right away, as rarely things do. It didn’t mean I could stop working and live a life of shallow leisure that I was promised, but this seemingly small but revolutionary act of attending an erotic movement class once a week overtime guided me toward embodiment. It has been a slow process.

I am in service to becoming more of my self, and there is a lot of me. I know I am supposed to come on here to say I am in service to you, again like a good little girl to show I care but I can only serve you through the transmission that I have clawed my way from death into life.